Barbara Walters chats with Forward Syria
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Discussing monetary policy with the man in charge
Where the earth screams in horror
09/09/2010 - Issue 43
Does polygamy exist among young Syrians?
If you think polygamy in Syria is a thing of the past, think again. A rise in traditionalist thinking and pervasive taboos around divorce and spinsterhood mean the practice is alive and well, even amongst young people
Reem, 45, had been married four years and has just had her first child—a girl —when she began to suspect something was wrong in her marriage. Her husband began spending less and less time at home.
Reem had known her husband was already married when she agreed to become his second wife. But she was convinced her husband truly loved her alone, and at 37, she desperately wanted to start a family.
Certain he had not returned to his first wife, Reem succumbed to her suspicions and checked her husband’s phone messages to learn he had secretly married a third, much younger wife, several months earlier while she was pregnant with their first child. Now the mother of two she says she endures the new arrangement which sees her spend just one night a week with her husband for the sake of her children.
There are no statistics on how many men in Syria are polygamists and no current research into the area. But anecdotal evidence, and a poll conducted by Forward Magazine of over thirty women in Damascus revealed nearly every woman directly knows at least one other person in a polygamous marriage.
Polygamy remains legal in Syria. Changes to the Personal Status Law in 2008 meant a judge may prohibit additional marriages if a husband cannot prove his ability to provide adequate financial support for all of them. But this vague law is rarely, if ever applied. Polygamy still remains far more common than divorce, according to women’s civil rights groups, and legal experts.
Most agree the incidence of polygamy fell away after the 1960s as women gained a greater role in civil society changed economic conditions and altered traditional familial relationships. But the continued pressure for women to marry and have children means the practice remains widespread, even amongst women under 40.
Head of the Forum for Islamic Women, daughter of the late Grand Mufti Sheikh Ahmad Kuftaro and wife of Mohammed Habbash, director of Islamic Studies Centre, and an independent member of the People’s Assembly, Asma Kuftaro says her work with women has led her to estimate 30% of marriages in Damascus are polygamous, and as many as 50% in rural villages.
She believes acceptance of polygamy is undergoing a revival amongst young people, under the growing influence of traditionalist religious leaders who she believes are preaching an incorrect interpretation of Islamic Law, unfavorable to women.
But it is that “correct” interpretation of polygamy as prescribed in the Koran that is hotly disputed.
Advocates say that a Koranic verse that states: "Marry women of your choice, two, three, four” explicitly permits polygamy, bolstering their case with the argument that the Prophet Mouhammad himself had several wives.
Moreover, they say polygamy offers a viable option for men who’s wives cannot have children, or for women facing dwindling marriage prospects through financial circumstances or growing older.
“Polygamy can be seen as charity for some women who can’t have children,” said Mouhammad, 30, from Damascus. “At least they are not alone.”
Kuftaro, however, argues that the Koran instructed men to marry widows only for the sake of their orphans during a time when war decimated a male population, causing a gender imbalance.
Moreover, she added Islam put a cap on the number of wives a man could marry at four, whereas unlimited multiple marriages had previously been common amongst both Christians and Muslims.
Contemporary society she said, has removed that pretext.
“Civil law reflects Sharia Law, but we want people to understand the law in the right way. Traditionalists are teaching men that it is OK to take a second wife if they are not satisfied with their wife—for sexual pleasure—and that’s not correct. Polygamy usually destroys families because men cannot provide for them equally.”
Women, she said, are not aware of all their rights.
“For instance, women do not know that they have the right to prohibit a second marriage in their marriage contract, according to the Prophet Mouhammad, who put the same condition on his sons-in-law.” she said.
Newlyweds Fadi and Abir, both 26 from Damascus, agree polygamy is correct under Islam but say the financial constraints of multiple weddings make it nearly unviable.
Married in December 2009, they say they talked about the issue ahead of their wedding.
“He knows that if he took a second wife I would kill him!” Abir laughs.
“If a wife is a good woman, keeps a good home, is happy and attractive, then he has no reason to look for another,” Abir said.
“Or if a couple can’t have children, then that is a good reason. But a couple should first try to resolve their differences. That’s the meaning of marriage.”
Fadi continues: “In the Koran they say it’s not stale to have two or three wives unless you can treat them both equally and provide for them. With the economic conditions today, most people can’t do it. They can’t afford it so they don’t have a good reason. It’s very hard for a man to have one wife these days. It’s very expensive to get married, so I don’t think it’s even possible to ever treat them equally.”
While divorce rates are increasing in Syria, it remains taboo and divorced women have little chance of remarrying, prompting many women in polygamous relationships to remain in unhappy marriages.
Houda, 35, from Damascus, says she was pushed into an unhappy marriage arranged by her family. After enduring the marriage for three years, rather than seeking a divorce, she said her husband took another wife.
“It wasn’t my idea, but it was better than he leave me with the children alone,” she said.
Her husband now has two children with his new wife, with whom they share the home.
“Of course, it’s always competitive, even though they live together. We [the two wives] talk but we don’t share secrets. He gives his new wife and his new children more. But I don’t want to be divorced.”
Former head of the Syrian Family Affairs Commission and women’s rights activist Mouna Ghanem is more blunt. She believes polygamy is part of a wider framework of female discrimination and unequal sexual politics.
“If anyone says they have a sisterly relationship [with their husband’s] other wives, she is lying,” she said.
“No woman wants to think about their husband having sex with another woman, but of course, men and women both want sex. In Syria it’s impossible to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage. Our personal laws are still oriented towards men’s pleasure,” she said.
She agrees economic pressure is playing a part in a revival of the practice.
“Marriage gives men access to their wives income,” she said.
“Not only that but a woman feels she must marry for financial security, so they accept.”
All women interviewed for this article, regardless of whether they condoned polygamy by law or not, said polygamous relationships left women feeling jealous, sexually rejected and ashamed.
Most women in polygamous marriages refused to be quoted for this article, claiming they feared their families or colleagues would learn of what are largely kept secret circumstances.
“My family has no idea about my situation and I could never tell them,” said Reem.
Reem says she turns to God to help her through her suffering. After his third marriage, her husband cut her off from financial support and Reem says she now works full time to support their two children as a sole caretaker.
“I thank God for my children and I never say anything bad about him to them. I want them to grow up with a father, and I want them to love their father.”
