Barbara Walters chats with Forward Syria
Swaying between art and seduction
Discussing monetary policy with the man in charge
Where the earth screams in horror
11/01/2007 - Issue 10
Divorced! Divorced! Divorced!
by Jida Malas
With three words, men in Muslim societies can permanently divorce their wives. Divorce in itself used to be taboo in Damascus but is becoming increasingly acceptable. Women emancipation is one reason for the increasing divorce rate in Damascus, so are emotional and sexual incompatibility.
One of the most striking features of modern societies has been the rapid growth of divorce. Damascene society is no exception. In Damascus, according to the Central Bureau of Statistics, out of a total of 17,821 cases in Syria, there were 5036 cases of divorce in 2005. This is compared to 22,823 marriages in Damascus in the same year.
It is remarkable how Damascus precedes with about 28% of divorce cases in Syria. Undoubtedly these causes of divorce can be many and varied; among them are the trivial and transient characteristics that marriages may be based upon. Part of the problem is the great emphasis that individuals place on the importance of wealth and appearance when choosing their spouse. “My ex-husband was wealthy and handsome; it’s what any girl would want in a husband” said Hala (25). “When I got married I chose a beautiful girl from a good family, and I did not look for further than that. Our marriage did not last for more than 7 years,” added Adnan (42).
Another reason for weakening marriages in Damascus is individualization. Times are changing, and we have seemingly become more concerned with personal happiness and success than with the well-being of family and children. Riad (42) noted, “I begged my wife to change her mind about divorce for the sake of our daughter, but she insisted because she said she wanted to start a new life alone. I still don’t think that there was a good reason for our divorce.” Complaining about her ex-husband’s behavior, Souad (65) said: “He deserted me and his three children because he said he wanted to be happy and enjoy his life without us and our problems. He thought of us a as a burden he had to get rid of.”
Individualization has also affected families in general. Big families are losing the strength of their primary relationships and are becoming secondary social circles. “When my wife and I got a divorce, nobody from either my family or hers interfered to try and fix things up,” explains 40-year-old Mohammad. “I wish there were a head in the family to handle and solve problems wisely. This type of person no longer exists in families today,” So it looks like traditions did help in keeping problems intact, especially that divorce was out of the question no matter what the problem was.
Divorce was discouraged and couples were usually urged by their families to adjust their differences. Fadia (60) confirms saying; “When I was 20 I left my husband and went to my father’s house. My father took me by the hand and led me back to my husband. I’m still with my husband till this day; I had to cope with my situation.” The opposite was actually portrayed in a recent TV drama called “Bab al-Hara” which the Syrians enthusiastically watched in Ramadan 2007. The television show made divorce look easy—too easy.
What exactly has happened to our society that makes divorce so popular? It is a fact that divorce has become more socially acceptable. Living in Damascus one would notice that being divorced is not as ‘shameful’ as it used to be. Sawsan, a 31-year-old woman who got a divorce two years ago, explains: “My parents completely supported my decision, and I was not very worried about what would people say. My mother was divorced before she married my father, and that was fifty years ago. I definitely did not face the problems she went through at that time.
It’s becoming easier for a divorced woman in our society.” Does this mean that the changing status of women in Damascus is also affecting the increase in divorce rates? Well to a certain extent; yes. Damascus has always been a male dominated society, where women have been traditionally expected to stand submissive to men, and where harsh treatment used to be tolerated by wives from their husbands. What happened in recent years is that women have become more prone to escape from unsatisfactory marriages. Changing expectations from women make it easier for them to walk away from an unhappy marriage.
Women are also starting to become less financially dependent on men. “I used to work and financially help my parents before I got married. I returned to work after getting divorced. I can support myself and don’t need to depend on anybody but myself,” said Sawsan (31). Women are becoming increasingly important and active participants in the labor force. They have started to expect more from life than being just a ‘home-maker.’ They are more likely to demand equality from husbands, who may not have recognized the changing role of women. Their participation in the labor force in Damascus, according to the Central Bureau of Statistics' Labor Force Survey 2006, remains at 13.4%. Therefore, this new reality may be applicable only to the educated social classes in the Syrian capital.
The ‘unspoken’ reason for divorce
All the previous reasons were what people talk about; what one hears on the streets of Damascus. What about what they don’t talk about? What about what remains taboo? This naturally is in reference to sexual reasons for divorce. According to sex specialists in the Arab world, the majority of Arabs are sexually ignorant, and considering that a marriage is almost totally based on the intimate relationship between man and women, it means that sex-related disorders might as well contribute in breaking marriages.
Sawsan notes, “My ex-husband couldn’t perform sexually. I waited three years before asking him to see a doctor. He insisted that he was perfectly ok and that I’m the one who had a problem. The tests showed that he has a sexual dysfunction and he kept refusing to seek treatment.” Since Syria is a male-dominated society, women are not supported when they walk out of a marriage because their husbands have a sexual problem. Sawsan adds, “Most of the elder men in my family thought I was wrong for divorcing my husband for such a reason."
Damascene men—some of them at least—are too arrogant to admit that they might have a sexual problem, or even that they are sexually ignorant. After all, ‘macho’ Damascene men simply cannot fail in sex! Rania (35) says, “My ex-husband used to beat me when he couldn’t perform. I left him after two years of suffering even though people wanted me to be more patient!”
When couples are faced with a sexual problem in their marriage, they might not even know that this is a problem to start out with, and even if they did, can be ignorant of the fact that it might be treated. Parents raise their kids to think that sex is shameful and forbidden, which has resulted in creating cold and aloof relations between husbands and wives. Adnan agrees, saying, “My wife just didn’t like sex, although I tried many ways to please her, she insisted on the divorce because she wanted to gain her body back.”
Mirna (29) wonders, “I’ve been married for around six years now, and I don’t’ understand the fuss everyone makes about sex; I mean it’s not as fun as it sounds” Obviously many married people like Mirna do not even realize that they are sexually ignorant and that they should be enjoying sex better.
So how is divorce affecting our society?
Divorce is considered a social evil in society. Recent sociological studies have pointed to a variety of long-term economic, social, physical, and mental health consequences of divorce. This is not to mention the emotional trauma that is accompanied with a divorce, which can be extremely devastating for an individual. Sawsan explains, “Divorce pushes all your bad buttons. All those complexes and fears that were dormant for years come out to the open. And you are in a situation that you have to deal with your wrecked nerves, your very ill state of mind and yourself. You start switching sides helping ‘you’ sometimes, asking ‘you’ why this happened and feeling sorry for ‘you’. It is indescribable. And no matter how many people are there to support you, you are alone. It is just the way it is.”
Even singles are being affected watching marriages break up around them. Youngsters are reconsidering getting married because they no longer believe that marriage is a successful institution. Tania (22) says: “Most of my friends are divorced or are unhappily married, I’m not missing out on much, and I’d rather stay single.” What about the existing family? Children often are the forgotten victims of divorce. Through divorce they are shifted from a secure, warm family towards a more complex set of relations. No one can argue that the consequences of growing up in an unloving family setting is far more harmful than a permanent separation of their parents.
Eventhough, the parents become selfish in attempting to satisfy their own needs in the marriage. Sima (14) notes, “My grandparents are divorced, my aunt from my mother’s side is divorced, my aunt from my father’s side is divorced, my uncle is divorced, and my parents were divorced when I was 7 years old. I live in different households, and I have many families, but I’d rather have only one, the one I used to have.”
Married couples who are opting for divorce as a solution to their battered married life should consider it as the final measure when all other alternatives have failed to maintain a warm and sincere relationship. Couples are just not trying enough; says Adnan, adding: “I was divorced twice and both times I thought that both my wives did not try hard enough to make the marriage work, not even for the sake of our children.”
On the other hand couples to be married should understand the importance and seriousness of starting a family. They have a responsibility both to themselves and to society. Love and romance are not always factors of success in a marriage. Some people emphasize romantic love as a basis for marriage, rendering relationships vulnerable to collapse as sexual passion subsides. Consequently, one may end a marriage in favor of a new relationship simply to renew excitement and romance.
The way in which a couple chooses to get married is not the issue, as this differs between different social classes and communities. Some might oppose arranged marriages, while the fact is that it has nothing to do with divorce if we consider that arranging marriages in India are still very common yet their divorce rate is relatively low. How can Damascus spare itself the diseases of the modern world, as divorce is increasingly exercised as a sensible reaction to marriages that do not work? This reminds me of the “two dilemmas that rattle the human skull,” as Danny De Vito put it in his movie, ‘War of the Roses.’ He adds, “How do you hold onto someone who won’t stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won’t go?”
